Last Jedi Gets Raped In Haaalfph.

Grothesk's picture

Roz Rants Against 'The Last Jedi' | STAR WARS

This is a great rant and it really shows the multiple issues with The Last Jedi

4.444445
Average: 4.4 (9 votes)

Comments

PizzaBoi's picture

I agree 100%. Oh my, I just finished watching this an hour ago, I hated, hated, hated, hated The Last Jedi. Hated it.

 

Starting off, the evil admiral guy has a cartoonish voice that the director basically told to ham up even more. Did not sound evil or menacing in any way. Came off as even more peevish that Kylo Ren.

 

Where the fuck did the First Order get all the resources to build warships of that caliber? Didn't they sink all their money into the Death Planet? Where do they get all their recruits from? WTF is this.

 

How does 1 X-wing take out all those large-caliber guns on a capital-class ship? Bullshit. That's like a tank blowing off the main cannons on a battleship.

 

No build up in the movie at all. No tension. No narrative structure. It's like plot point to plot point to plot point. If they move fast enough, we wouldn't have time to think. It's what Lucas tried to do when he FUCKED Star Wars up its ASS. Putting too much crap into the movie. FUCK.

 

Side note: FUCK THIS DECONSTRUCTIONIST THEME THAT FLOATS THROUGH THE LAST JEDI. The writer thinks he's being cute. They're trying to play the "Lost" card, writing checks they can't ever hope of cashing satisfactorally.

 

Asian character is a fangirl caricature. Does NOTHING. I wanted her to die so bad.

 

Finn's whole narrative arc is useless. I wanted him to die so bad.

 

BB what the fuck is worse than R2D2 in the prequels. Like a literal deus ex machina.

 

Captain Phasma shows up. Then Captain Phasma dies. Nobody will remember one of the most under-utilized characters with the greatest potential from a fantastic actress. Bullshit.

 

They just casually kill off fan favorite Admiral Ackbar. CARDINAL SIN. Give him a badass death at least. Stupid lady vice-admiral had a more heroic death than him.

 

Speaking of the end (which I couldn't wait for), they tried to copy/paste the infinitely superior Empire Strikes Back. Like WTF. WTF. FUCK YOU JJ ABRAMS. FUCK YOU UP YOUR STUPID ASS.

 

On the subject of war, let's be honest, this movie had a  pretty liberal political stance that they hit you on the nose with at every opportunity. Freedom and love, vegetarianism, anti-animal cruelty and all that jazz is great for a lot of things, but LOVE CAN'T WIN WARS. Flower power didn't end the Vietnam War. Fucking tanks rolling into Saigon did.

 

Stupid fucking animals they just shoved into the movie. I didn't realize PETA was a major sponsor.

 

I can't believe Disney greenlit this. This is what happens when you got a bunch of idiots running Hollywood. What a mess. What a fucking trainwreck.

 

 

 

 

The good parts: the First Order Admiral on the dreadnaught was cool, he should've been a central villain. The throne room fight scene was pretty badass. No more stupid midichlorians, back to its roots of anyone can be a Jedi. Benicio del Toro is always an amazing actor. Loved Mark Hamill every time he was on screen. He really sells that subdued anger, I didn't even think he was acting.

+1
+5
-1
Vote comment up/down
hellyeah's picture

Dear mister Pizza, i agree with every point u just pointed out in your perfect assesment of the last "star wars" vehicle......

+1
+1
-1
Vote comment up/down
Fullauto223cal's picture

Admiral Ackbar ought to have been the one to ram his ship at light speed at the end.  Not the purple haired SJW feminist stand-in that for no fucking reason refused to explain her little plan.

+1
+1
-1
Vote comment up/down
Grothesk's picture

A friend of mine brought up a good point:  why wouldn't both sides of the conflict simply make kamikaze "missile-ships" and ram high profile targets through light speed?  They didn't really think this through before filming it.

+1
0
-1
Vote comment up/down
Fullauto223cal's picture

I don't think the writer put must thought into the idea beyong "This will look cool so let's do this."

+1
0
-1
Vote comment up/down
PizzaBoi's picture

Even a modicum of thought could've made this believable. Like, you can hyperspace jump into a star destroyer, but you would crash into the shields and get obliterated. The larger star destroyer would get seriously damaged, but your ship would get annhilated. It would make kamikaze-ing a reasonable tactic in a desperate situation, but not a serious contender for cheap go-to tactic.

 

Fuckwits. Absolute fuckwits ruining a meticulously crafted universe.

+1
0
-1
Vote comment up/down
Hansimus's picture

This pile of drek they call a movie was written and directed by Rian Johnson, a complete no name before this movie and now somone I utterly loathe after this movie. JJ abrahms may have copy pasted the force awakens from a new hope, but it was far better than this shit heap.

+1
+1
-1
Vote comment up/down
Grothesk's picture

He directed Looper, which was really great, but he stumbled hard with this one.

+1
-1
-1
Vote comment up/down
napalm4sd's picture

I thought looper was shit, but I guess that better explains why I thought this movie was shit. 

+1
0
-1
Vote comment up/down
bronobo's picture

sometimes, when you just don't know what to do to get along with your family, the only option left is to murder them in their sleep.

+1
+1
-1
Vote comment up/down
skeptoid's picture

Disney is trying to blame the low audience scores on Rotten Tomatoes on "alt-right trolls". It's Ghostbusters and Amy Schumer all over agian LOL.

+1
-1
-1
Vote comment up/down
bronobo's picture

i saw it earlier in the week. i agreed with all the points in this clip. i had all week to think about this movie, and can list a dozen more really weird plot holes or plot points. throughout the movie, from the very beginning with the "your momma" joke, i started slapping my forehead. after each time it happened, i was like, oh no what's going to happen next, instead of yeah! what's going to happen next!? it was a total remake of Empire Strikes Back, where they rearranged the order of the scenes so that it wouldn't immediately look like a remake, then tried to stuff in terrible jokes and cgi and FX scenes to make it seem "new". then there were issues with continuity problems within the subplots and connections to the previous film, so then they just made up some shit to try to duct tape it all together.

 

before i saw the movie, i looked on Rotten tomatoes. it had 97% on pro critics, then 56% on audience reviews. i was so surprised, but the pro reviews kept saying it was the best star wars movie ever. and i didn't want to read the uadience reviews because there wre spoilers inside. now i have to assume the pro critics are paid or have some other motivation to lie or are really at their jobs.

+1
0
-1
Vote comment up/down
napalm4sd's picture

Movie was bad.. Not even from a Star Wars standpoint, but from a cinematic standpoint. Just bad film making. 

+1
0
-1
Vote comment up/down
theblackswordsman's picture

I was able to stomache alot of the "little things." as it is a disney product. You can't watch Disney without them trying to manipulate you.

 

Main complaints.

 

 Killing Han Solo in force awakens. = Shut all of the legends doors in our face. Legends is argueably the BEST reason for even doing these films.

 

 WTF happened to Luke?! Why is he dead? IS he dead? WTF?!

 

 Who is supposed to train Rei now?

 

 Not enough epic lightsaber fights.

 

 Whittling the rebels down to a couple hundred people just for the sake of creating tension? = LAME!

 

 We wanted epic battles, not two factions barely holding themselves together scraping the bottom of the power struggle barrel.

 

 Too much garbage going on just to force together a LINEAR story, not enough seperate equally important stories happening with the different groups of characters. Everyone in this film is bound by a connected and singular interest as opposed to many smaller and seperate plots that bound the story by the end. Such as ALL of the other starwars films. The result. PREDICTABLE AND BORING!

 

 Not enough galactic factions and politics.

 

 Almost no new discoveries or cultures.

 

 They ripped away our epic dog fights in space by destroying the rebel fighters. = Boring.

 

 The EXACT OPPOSITE of a newely rebuilt Jedi order. Which means no possibility of an epic batteleground of hundreds of jedi vs hundreds of Sith. = We badly needed this.

+1
0
-1
Vote comment up/down
Fullauto223cal's picture

Just watched the video all the way to the end.  Why is the guy on the right wearing tights?

+1
0
-1
Vote comment up/down